It's Funny Because It's True

I Eat the Flesh of Fatphobic Men

Listen up, men. I know you hate women like me. I know that when I unhinge my jaw to eat an entire bagel slathered in Nutella, it makes your gut churn and riles up your gag reflex. I know that when I have the audacity to feed my hungry stomach with some Little Caesar’s double-stuffed crust pepperoni pizza, you are armed and ready to step in and save the skinny damsels in distress from my promotion of obesity. I know you’re absolutely convinced that I’m the real danger to the minds of young girls

I don’t have an Obsession with Candles

I don’t have an Obsession with Candles I don’t have an obsession with candles. Candles are just, where I find my joy and my joy is what I light on fire. I don’t show my joy often and only with candles. Obviously, I can’t light everything I like on fire because that would be counter-intuitive and illegal. I am a normal white woman in my 20s. I am a normal white woman in my 20s, I swear. For Christmas, I get candles. For my birthday, I get candles. For Valentine’s Day, I get chocolate in the

College Football Lives Matter

We at “College Football Lives Matter” — a bipartisan group of diverse ages, genders, and religious backgrounds — believe there is one thing more sacred to protect over ever other cultural issue combined: College Football. That’s why we want to help you do everything possible to ensure that we overly-obsessed alumni and patrons can watch these adolescents bash each other’s brains in and receive deadly sport-related concussions (or CMT) before they can legally drink. While our current government

Things I, A White Teenage Influencer, Have Learned from Florida Man Headlines.

Florida Man flashes buttocks at IHOP after impersonating a police officer to get free food. Wow, guys. Let me tell you, when I first read this headline I got chills. Literal. Chills. I mean, this man is truly a beacon of inspiration for body positivity. This is giving me big #FreeTheNip vibes. I’m here for it, and you should be too. Florida Man steals 850 pairs of underwear from Victoria’s Secret. An icon. I’m sure you’ve all heard me preach about manifesting abundance in my latest TikTok ser

My College Tour is in Derry, Maine, and I Think I Heard Carnival Music Coming from the Sewers

Welcome to our Halloween Campus tour! Our students keep complaining that “this place is hell,” so in celebration of the holiday we will do our best to replicate the experience of actually attending here. 11:40 P.M.: Arriving at our campus you’ll first take in the beautiful scenery and the luscious police tape around the entrance to the trails. Red balloons somehow float towards you as you drive by. 12:00 A.M.: You will meet together for the start of the tour with our student guides covered in

To Chad, the Guy Who Fat-Shamed Me Today

Chad, I know you didn’t mean what you said today when you told me to “lose some weight” on my walk home from work. You’ve just had a rough day. We all do sometimes. I mean, when I’m having a bad day, I don’t shit on strangers to make myself feel better, but we all have our outlets. I get it, you’ve had a hard life. Most men do. If I had to deal with the trauma of my mom catching me jacking off to Elon Musk, I’d be a little pressed, also. I wonder what kind of trauma that put your mom through, b

Count Dracula’s Latest Edit on His Craigslist Roommate Ad

Two-bedroom apartment with one bathroom, a common room, and a s̶l̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶o̶o̶m̶ kitchen. Rent: $400/month, plus the security deposit of one unlovable friend or family member (ex. a creepy uncle or that friend who brags about how they make their own Kombucha). Suitable for those who prefer quiet and complete darkness during the day, and prolonged late-night, soul-sucking chats about Christopher Nolan’s filmography. Open bedroom, furnished with twin bed, dresser, closet, and huge win

Dear Jon Gruden: A Letter from Bill from Wisconsin

I’m Bill, from Wisconsin, and I just wanted to drop you a line to buck you up after a hard week. Don’t worry about all the crap they’re giving you about those emails. We’ve all said stuff that others consider “incriminating” or “wrong”. All those Californian snowflakes get upset about the smallest stuff. You don’t deserve to resign because people think you’re “racist”, “misogynistic”, or “homophobic”. You apologized and that’s all that matters. I mean, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell deserves to

English Majors: What Their Pens Say About Them

Plastic BIC A true broke college kid. Found the pen in an abandoned classroom and held on to it too tight. Of course, the cap is missing and the ink is starting to leak out of the tip, but as long as they keep secure in a plastic bag inside of their pencil case, everything should work out. Multi-colored pens These are definitely the education majors. It doesn’t matter if they’re going for elementary or high school, they all buy the biggest packs of colored pens they can. Bonus points if the p